A Party of One: Singleness and Self-Love
Last Sunday, I went on a date. When I got to the local diner, the waiter said, "Just one?" And I proudly responded yes. Soon, I was escorted to my booth, where I sat comfortably and flipped through the menu. I decided to get a recent favorite of mine and was delightfully pleased. Once I finished eating, I began to write and reflect. Later on, I visited an ice cream shop that I'd been eyeing for months, and it was some of the best ice cream I'd ever had!
I date myself often. A few years ago, I felt like I didn't know myself. I wasn't always the most self-aware and didn't know what I truly loved. Interestingly, we often try to get to know and love someone else without first knowing and loving ourselves. Naturally, I got into the rhythm of dating myself because I wanted to know who I am and what I like. I started to go out to eat at local diners and visit coffee shops. One thing I've always known is that good food will definitely make me happy! But as I've dated myself, like this past weekend, I'll often bring a notebook to write and reflect, a Bible to study God's Word, or maybe a book to read and enjoy. In the summertime, I especially love going to the park, walking while praying, and waiting for the Lord to speak back to me. There's something about mundane times where it's just me, my thoughts, and the Lord that has brought my heart great solitude.
Date Yourself
Here's the thing, after one date with yourself, it may seem like no impact has been made. But over time, you'll see how much you've grown, dreamed, and become. For example, let me tell you a few things I've learned through dating and getting to know me –
I don't have a favorite color, but I love matching. I'll try to make my glasses, scrunchies, coat, and Crocs match because it brings me joy.
I love to drink coffee, and although I don't have it every day, I love to drink it a few times a week.
Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day. And I'm always down to go to brunch!
Target is my favorite store, hands down.
A perfect day for me looks like shopping at Target, grabbing Starbucks, buying some new books at Barnes and Noble, and eating brunch at a trendy restaurant I've never been to.
I like to ask a lot of questions, and I'm a very future-minded person. I keep the future in mind in all that I do and build.
I enjoy listening to Christian piano instrumentals when writing, trying to think, or working on a task. They are exceptionally peaceful and calming for me.
My main hobbies are reading, writing, cooking, and going to the gym; my newest one is coloring.
The list of things I've learned about myself goes on and on. There's so much to know about you. It's best to know who you are outside of the latest trends and limelight of someone else's liking. I'm writing this blog to encourage you to date you. Please don't get so caught up in what's next in your life and relationships that you forget about the now. Singleness is the prime time to get to know you. I found that people can often get into relationships and lose themselves. They get swept in love or lust and forget who they are. But my question is, if you lose yourself in a relationship, did you ever know who you are in the first place? I don't believe relationships are supposed to consume you. Inevitably, you'll change a lot when you get into a relationship, but the core of who you are will remain. Do you know your core? Who are you?
The greatest thing I've learned over these years is I genuinely enjoy my own company. This isn't to say I don't like being around others because I sincerely do. In fact, I'm more of an extrovert. I thrive around others but look forward to recharging when I'm alone.
The Necessity of Personal Vision
I asked myself some hard questions while writing in my notebook during my date. I often use this time to confront the things I've been unable to, due to busyness or cloudiness in my mind. Here are the questions I asked myself that I'd like to pose to you, too:
What are my values?
Who will I be in 5 years?
What kind of people do I want around over the next 5 years?
What will I do in the next 5 years?
In order to become my dream today, I must…
We can't live life by default, but we must live it by design. Often, on social media, I see content like how to become the best version of yourself in 3 months, how to be a woman, leveling up in a week…etc. But the truth is that growth takes time, and the most significant way to grow is to have a personal vision for your life.
A person without Vision is living a useless life. As a Christian, God has put His will, purpose, and design in our hearts. We're all drawn to different things and solutions to various problems based on our backgrounds, talents, and grievances. In Michelle McClain-Walter's book, "The Deborah Anointing," she spoke about Vision, saying, "Vision brings clarity and definition to life. Vision brings structure to chaos. Vision provides inspiration. Vision is like oxygen to the lungs. Vision can be the reason you get out of bed every morning. Vision drives you and compels you to reach a little bit further and press harder."
Vision births purpose, and when you're living a purposeful life, you're less likely to disregard or mismanage your current season. When I was in college, I knew that everyone was dating and sleeping around. And I, for the most part, was usually at church, in my dorm alone, or at Starbucks doing work. What often kept me grounded was that I knew that although a relationship was a good desire, it was out of season. Because of how busy I was and my focus being on school, my internships, church, and various other endeavors, a relationship would only serve as a distraction. Suppose I were in a relationship in college – I'm not sure I would've taken advantage of all the opportunities I did or grown in my relationship with the Lord. And let's be honest here, remaining sexually and emotionally pure probably would've been out of the question, too.
Having a vision for what I truly wanted to get out of college and understanding my life goals allowed me to remain focused at what many would call the peak of temptation. Now, here's the thing – temptation will always be present. There will always be someone that you see that you're attracted to. You'll likely continue to experience the various pressures from friends or social media to jump into a relationship anyhow. And something I really want you to know is that Satan knows what you like, too. He watches and studies our patterns and tastes. As I said in the last blog, don't allow what someone appears to be to make you falter in your holiness. It's never worth it, trust me!
It's impossible to talk about self-love without regarding God's love. Because we can't love ourselves if we don't know ourselves. I want to preface this by saying that self-love won't negate your desire for a relationship. However, from personal experience, I don't feel empty because I'm not in one. A single person is a whole person. Relationships don't complete you; they add more to the totality of who you already are.
Love without Conditions is Beautiful
Colossians 3:12 says, "You are always and dearly loved by God! So, robe yourself with the virtues of God since you have been divinely chosen to be holy. Be merciful as you endeavor to understand others, and be compassionate, showing kindness toward all. Be gentle and humble, unoffendable in your patience with others."
We are loved. Today, my mom gave me a gift for Valentine's Day and a card. When I read the card, I was struck by something she wrote. She said, "I love you in time and eternity." Reading this really got me thinking for a few reasons. God doesn't love us in time alone. Time is simply a construct He made for our ease, but He loves us eternally. He doesn't reference my shortcomings from yesterday to disqualify His love because the Blood of Jesus is as present today as it was yesterday and will be tomorrow. In God's eyes, Jesus didn't just die thousands of years ago because He's not confined by time. He looks at Jesus, and us, His children in totality, not through a finite lens. Knowing this lifts the burden of fear, doubt, guilt, and shame off of my shoulders because I know the love He gives me is never-changing and ever-faithful. His love for me is as much today as tomorrow and the many days after. God loves me because He loves me. And as a loving Father He is, He asks that I love myself too. Do I love me? Do you love you? Is your love for yourself conditional? These are the kinds of questions I delve into on my dates.
Many of us love ourselves with conditional love. It changes based on our emotions or actions. Or worse, it's based on the actions or lack thereof of others. Like I love myself, as long as I finish everything on my to-do list today. Or I would love myself as long as they show they love me, too, by affirming me. But God never designed us to operate or give from conditional love. We're wired to crave unconditional and endless love. My question to you is, has your view of love been skewed? Because indeed, if you love yourself conditionally, you probably think that God can only love you when He approves of your actions. As though God can love you less because you didn't read your Bible or pray today.
You cannot love a you that you don't know. Today, I'd like to challenge you to date yourself – at least once a month. Maybe it's going to see a movie you are really looking forward to, checking out the newest restaurant in town, or taking a trip to the bookstore, but whatever you do, be intentional about getting to know yourself. And ask yourself the hard questions you've been avoiding in your mind that find a way to trouble your heart.
Reflection
Here are a few more questions you can reflect on during your next date with yourself:
How do I receive love? How do I give love?
What are some things about myself that I really love but rarely appreciate?
What scares me concerning my present or future?
Who would I be if I stopped allowing fear to get in my way?
What are some of the tangible ways God has shown His love for me lately?
Comentários