First Blog Post: Am I Enough?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone back and forth in my head on whether I should start this blog. I mean, truly, I sort of thought – who even reads blogs? Until I realized I do… and quite often at that. So prayerfully, the right people and women will find this blog and be captivated, moved, or at least relate to the words I say.

In all honesty, I’ve written and written and posted long and sometimes even longer Instagram captions. I find myself pouring my heart and soul into 2200 characters or less… but there’s so much more to be said.

I have so many “identifiers” – I’m a Christian Woman who’s Black, a recent college graduate, and happens to be turning 22 in less than a month.

Life has come at me so fast recently, especially with graduating. I couldn’t wait to finally graduate, feeling like it’d guarantee me rest. But there’s no way I could account for the distress, the questions, uncertainty, and borderline fear.

This new season that I’ve entered placed me in a position where I can only trust God – while still trying to grapple with and understand the “why’s” behind former traumas and disappointments.

It’s only recently that I’ve realized some things scarred me more than I’d like to admit. I’ve truly been fighting against the idea and sentiment of being enough. Upon some soul-digging, I found the most frequent question I ask myself, whether outright, rephrased, reformulated, or directly is “am I enough?” And I know the answer, “Of course I am, I’m more than enough.” But life can sometimes convince me of otherwise.

For example, am I enough for this specific job or role? If I am enough, then why do I keep getting denied? Am I deserving of good and sweet friendships as the Bible describes? If I am, then why do I continually witness my friendships crumble? Am I attractive enough to gain male attention? If I am, then why do I oftentimes feel like they look past me?

By all means, these examples are more vulnerable than I’m fully comfortable with, but they’ve been questions that circled my mind. How can I be enough, yet not… Like God, if I’m enough, shouldn’t I experience the latter indication? Shouldn’t I have more job offers than I know what to do with, an overflowing of sweet friendships, and so much male attention that I’m both nervous and flattered?

I believe all of these things are so petty and borderline meaningless. Logically in the sense that I can only choose one job, marry one person, and manage a few friendships. Yet, the lack thereof produces a question I can’t explain why I’m grappling with.

Am I enough?

I believe the root of this question comes from a lack of affirmation in just being as a child and in my youth. Although I’m sure done unintentionally, I closely align my affirmations with my doings. When I got honor roll, did something at church, or, more recently, got a new internship, I can correlate it with affirmations and others taking pride in me. However, very rarely can I equate the same praise and affirmations to me just being, not doing. Moments that I’m at my worst, not doing so well – emotionally, in school, or on to the next “big” thing – I don’t remember the affirmations rolling out as frequently. In fact, I often remember feeling a need to defend, prove or recede when my performance wasn’t up to par.

Again, this was probably done unintentionally. But it groomed me into believing I was only as great as my next big accomplishment. So YAY! Morgan graduated college, what’s next? Oh, no job? So what are you doing? Moments and comments like this make me think that my accomplishments aren’t enough, so how could I be? What good is the accomplishment if I don’t have the next thing lined up, something else for people to get excited for, or my family to brag about?

Am I good enough to start this blog and for people to actually care to read?

I have a confident-facing persona. I exude confidence, or at least try to, even in moments of great insecurity. But deep down, or when I’m all alone, I can point to every insecurity and pick myself apart for the things I hate most. It’s so dangerous to believe in a lie or trust in a demonic suggestion…

To question whether I’m enough is to give Satan a stage to tap dance on. I’m more than enough because God said so. I heard a great woman of God say this once, and it made me think… why don’t we question the next time those thoughts come? Why believe them?

Perhaps Satan wants me to believe I’m not enough so that it paralyzes me. Maybe he wants my past traumas and childhood wounds to stifle my growth rather than become the springboard for it. There’s a why behind this diminishing question that I don’t fully know, but there’s one thing that I do.

No matter how many times this question comes up, whether later today, next month, or years from now. My answer will always be the same – I’m more than enough because God says so.

God knew what He was getting into when He made me, all of my nonsense, insecurities, and doubts. He knows the depths of my worries and deepest heart longings. He knows, He knows, He knows.

And as I’m writing this, I want you to know that He knows yours too! He knows every question you may have embarrassingly stirring in your mind. He knows where your heart wanders when your mind is telling you not to. We serve a God who knows and intentionally acknowledges.

The sweetest reward in making this blog post, especially knowing that it’s my first, is the understanding that I’m indeed not alone. In fact, there’s someone reading it that maybe now, or many years from now, can be helped, delivered, and transformed by owning their truth but knowing there’s a greater one. What you’ve believed to be true may not be the ultimate truth!

What’s true is God’s word, which says the absolute best about you. All of your questions can be settled in the Word of God that will always stand.

So with that being said, getting only one congratulations email to the job God has for me is enough. Having 2-3 sweet friendships, rather than a whole bunch, is enough. Trusting that God is hiding me in my singleness until the time is right is enough.

The very things I’ve questioned may be God’s form of protection, and that’s okay. I’m enough because God said so, and I love Him for that.