Single By God’s Design: Singleness is a GIFT

I'm single by God's design. Today, I'm writing out of great passion and vulnerability concerning my single season. I've been intentionally single for quite a few years now. 

My Testimony

In my early teenage years, I got into a few relationships and situationships that often left my heart broken, bruised, and battered. At the beginning of my senior year of high school, I was simply tired of being tired. I distinctly remember being on a school bus and thinking, I will just be single. And at the time, I also remember the thought, imagine if I'm single for five years. This still makes me laugh when I think about it because it has now been a little over five years – I wish the younger me and me today could meet for coffee, and I could tell her just what these few years of intentional healing and singleness have done. She'd probably laugh, smile, and cry over her iced vanilla latte…

Over time, I've discovered so much about my identity and purpose. Here's the thing, for many years, I was shackled to a pornography addiction and the endless urge to be seen, loved, and desired. I was always talking to someone, in a relationship, or getting out of some sort of situationship. I'd depleted my value to what a guy thought of me, and if no one was interested, I questioned if I was enough. I masqueraded my insecurities with a shallow relationship with God and portrayed a false sense of holiness. I'd interacted with many "Christian" guys who made me question if I wanted a Man of God at all – I mean, at least with worldly guys, I knew what I was getting into – so I thought. 

I'd intentionally gone as far as I could go without losing my virginity since it served as a signet of my purity. My imagination ran wild, and my heart's desires weren't Godly at all. I wanted to rebel against all that was holy and indulge in lustful passions. To say the least, I was a mess. At the beginning of 2019, I dedicated my life to Christ, and now I live for Him fully. I was raised in church but questioned God's existence and power. What amazes me is that God delivered me from my pornography addiction and led me into my intentional single season before my salvation. The Holy Spirit was leading me, even in the midst of my sinful chaos. I'm saying all of this to say God is intentional. And no matter how big of a mess you may be, remember you are HIS mess, and as the masterful deliverer He is, He will turn your story around for His glory!

What does it mean to be Single by God's Design?

As I said prior, I've been intentionally single. I want to break down what this means because many people are single by default and not design. Intentionally single means I don't have any running list of prospects. Intentionally single means I'm not entertaining anybody in my DMs or flirting with any guy who winks in my direction. Intentionally single means that I maintain firm boundaries to preserve my holiness. Intentionally single means I'm not going on dates or leading any guys along simply because I enjoy the attention. Intentional singleness means that I'm not sleeping around, having any sort of sexual rendezvous, or entertaining self-satisfaction through pornography and masturbation. Purposeful singleness requires one to be led by the Holy Spirit and a commitment to one's life's purpose over fleeting passions.

I firmly believe that in our current societal climate, Satan is after the purity of Believers. There are a few myths I'd like to debunk concerning singleness –

1. Singleness doesn't minimize your desire for a relationship or marriage. The desire itself isn't wrong. What you do with it can lead to sin and idolatry. 

2. Singleness is of no lesser importance than marriage. Even our Savior, Jesus Christ, was single for the entirety of His life.

3. A relationship or marriage isn't a reward for your holiness and purity; it's simply another blessing. 

Something I've always loathed, especially when I've seen other Christian women talk about singleness, is that they're usually married by the time they really talk about it. And sometimes, they'll make it seem like they suddenly got so deep in God or focused on life that they no longer desired marriage. When they talk about it, it'll seem like they're saying, "I was focused on my relationship with God, and boom, He showed up, and now we're married and living happily ever after." 

For all of the time that I've been single, there hasn't been a day that I've suddenly stopped desiring marriage. I'm doing many things they talk about – I'm focused on my personal goals, like this blog, and intimacy with God through daily devotion. I'm an active servant at my church and continue cultivating Godly friendships and sisterhood. To say the least, I'm preoccupied and focused. Y'all, no matter how deep I continue to go in God or focus on the revolving aspects of my life, I still haven't stopped desiring marriage. Desiring marriage isn't bad. Please, don't think that the prerequisite for becoming a husband or wife is going deeper in the Lord, as though you can manipulate Him through intimacy. God doesn't reward you for your dedication to Him by sending your spouse. THE REWARD IS HIM. He's enough. 

God Gives Us the Desires of Our Heart

"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart." – Psalm 37:4

This is a famous scripture and is often quoted out of context. Delighting yourself in the Lord means pleasing Him has become your top priority, and you live a life that honors Him. Delighting yourself in the Lord is a byproduct of dedication and continually dying to your flesh. The reason God gives you the desires of your heart is because He changes what your heart desires. Practically, when I was entertaining different relationships before, the desires of my heart were desperately wicked. I chose to be in relations with someone who pleased my flesh and met my appearance standards, but I never focused on their character. 

The closer you get to God, the more your desires will change. I'm definitely telling on myself today, but my list went something like this – tall, chocolate, light brown eyes, athletic, tattoos, earrings, wavy or curly hair, knows how to dress, nice smile, funny, smart, entrepreneurial, etc. My list was literally so shallow that it makes me cringe and laugh. Now, hear me out; I can't say that all of what I'm attracted to in appearance has changed. Although, I can say that much of what mattered to me then isn't as much of a priority now. (But for real, Lord, let my Man of God be tall…)

When I review my current desires for my future husband, it reflects so much of the Word. Over time, God has transformed my heart's desires so that they're no longer fleshy and shallow but align with His purpose for my life and future generations. Now, what attracts me is so much bigger than appearance, but I've become mindful of their display of the fruit of the Spirit. How does this person interact with other people? Do they serve in the House of the Lord? How often do they study their Bible and pray? Who is their accountability? What kinds of books do they read? What's the vision for their life? What do they want their legacy to be? Instead of just "omg, he's so fine," I've begun to ask questions like, will he be a good father to my future children? Does He have the spiritual capacity to be the priest of my household? Can I trust his decision-making? Is he committed to personal growth? Does he have self-discipline? DOES HE BEAR FRUIT? 

Much of what I'm saying reflects the Fruit of the Holy Spirit. When it comes down to it, the desire of our hearts should be the Fruit of the Spirit. Not someone who makes six figures. Not someone who has the body type we're most attracted to. Not even someone who everyone else thinks we'll be good with. Now hear me out, I am NOT AT ALL saying you shouldn't be attracted to the person you're in a relationship with or marrying because… LET'S BE SO FOR REAL! But I am saying that appearance shouldn't be the primary standard you use to judge whether or not someone is the one for you. Many of our personal attractions are things we can compromise on. However, your ultimate judge and standard should be the Word of God and whether the person you're interested in reflects Jesus Christ, PERIOD. 

Singleness is a GIFT.

Over the past few years, I've read many books on womanhood and a few on navigating singleness. I really appreciate the perspective in "Let Me Be a Woman" by Elisabeth Elliot. She said, "Single life may be only a stage of a life's journey, but even a stage is a gift. God may replace it with another gift, but the receiver accepts His gifts with thanksgiving. This gift is for this day. The life of faith is lived one day at a time, and it has to be lived – not always looked forward to as though the "real" living were around the next corner. It is today for which we are responsible. God still owns tomorrow." This quote captures so much of why I'm writing this blog in the first place. It's so easy to continue to look forward to tomorrow when you're in a relationship, married, have your own family, etc., that you miss out on the gift of today. Singleness is one of God's greatest gifts to us because it allows us to be entirely His. Not that marriage takes that away, but when you're married, you're responsible for your spouse and children, if you have them, also. You can't live and serve God as freely with the responsibilities of marriage. 

Currently, I do many different things in my life, like writing this blog, going on various outings with friends, serving extensively at my church, and indulging in a few of my favorite hobbies. I've filled up my schedule with things I have to do and many other things I enjoy doing. My life is dedicated to God, and my time is my own. I have the freedom and independence that singleness allows. This season is a gift because it's allowed me to get to know who Morgan is, apart from anyone else. I've also continued to enjoy cultivating my friendships intimately. You can appreciate singleness when you realize it's a gift and not a curse. It's meant to be enjoyed and treasured just as much as the gift of marriage. 

How you treat your single season will reflect in your future relationship. Being in a relationship doesn't complete you, and you can never rely on your significant other to make you happy. My Pastor often says, "You bring your happiness into marriage." Believe it or not, there are a lot of depressed married folk because they thought that marriage was the epitome of bliss. Not to be cliche, but the happiest I've felt has been in the presence of the Lord. This isn't to minimize the joy shared in marriage because, by all means, I plan on having a very happy marriage, but I'm aware it won't be a walk in the park every day. And when things are hard in life, in my relationship, or with my family, I know that the Lord will be the greatest source of my joy.

Suppose you are struggling to accept singleness as a gift or are questioning the significance of this season. In that case, I have a few questions for you:

1. Are you content with yourself?

2. How do you determine your personal value and confidence?

3. What are a few things that singleness has taught you so far that you couldn't have learned in a relationship? 

The Idolatry of Marriage 

In Heather Arnel Paulsen's book, "Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart," she says, "Waiting for God is not always an easy task, but in the end, His blessings will far outweigh any blessing you can imagine." There's nothing better than waiting on the Lord and seeing Him do precisely what He said! 

One of the most dangerous things anyone could do is idolize marriage. 

Signs of Marriage Idolization: 

1. Marriage and your future spouse come up in your conversations frequently

2. You often fantasize about life with your future mate

3. You think everyone who comes your way has the potential to be "the One"

Marriage idolization can lead to the peak of delusion. It will cause you to become desperate and disregard the gift's giver. It's important to remember that life with God is the greatest gift, not a spouse. 

Truthfully, the only way to keep God on the throne of your heart is through prayer, studying the Bible, and intentionality. 

Prayer keeps your mind on God.

When you have an active prayer life, God remains the center of your world. In an attempt for marriage not to be an idol, I've seen a lot of women stray away from praying or even thinking much about marriage. We should not harbor fear concerning the topic or prayer point. 

Often, when I think about marriage, I pray about it. God remembers every one of our prayers, and years later, I'm sure I'll witness the harvest of my years of expectation and waiting on the Lord through prayer. You don't have to be obsessive, but you do have to be intentional. 

Intentionality keeps your heart in check.

Intentionality translates in so many ways when it comes to singleness – one of them being that intentionality initiates boundaries. Over the past few years, I've maintained a few boundaries that keep my heart from straying down the path of delusion. A few of my boundaries are I don't text any guys late at night, assume anyone likes me or is pursuing me unless they blatantly tell me, and don't indulge in watching, reading, or scrolling through relationship content. 

Boundaries serve as safeguards for your heart. I learned this when I read the book on emotional purity I mentioned above. I found, especially as a woman, that it's easy for someone to use you to fulfill their personal desires and needs if you don't maintain strong boundaries for yourself and others. And something my Mom always says is, "Men will only go as far as you allow them to."

To my sister, who struggles with remaining pure in her heart, don't allow men to go too far, even if he seems like the perfect guy for you. Commitment is the only entryway to emotional equity and availability. Guard your heart, sis! Please don't be delulu!

Purity is only guaranteed through God's Word. 

"How can a young person live a pure life? By obeying your Word. "– Psalms 119:9 ERV

The Word of God keeps us accountable and teaches us the pathways to life. You cannot obey a Word you don't know. As you navigate this season, inevitably, there will be hard times; continue to run to the Word of God. Every truth and ounce of strength you'll ever need is in the Word. The Bible is a Living Word, full of refreshment and strength. Hide God's Word in your heart so that your eyes may remain on Him always. 

God didn't intend for us to dread our single season! It's a time to enjoy, and as I said in another blog post (https://www.takaetalks.com/post/building-season-single-season), this is your season to BUILD! Get busy doing the Lord's work. Get busy cultivating new and fruitful friendships. Get busy pursuing your personal, professional, and academic goals. Don't wait to enjoy life until you're married! 

When I'm ready to walk down the aisle, I want to say that I stewarded well over my single season. I want to marvel at all the great things I was able to learn, accomplish, and indulge in. I want to be able to tell my partner about all the amazing memories I have made over these years and not praise him for saving me from this dreaded season. 

Singleness is good; until it's my time, I will enjoy every day of this season. Will you?